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Location: Discussion Forum
Discussion: Being in the closet
 knowhim310 |
Being in the closet
Nov 23 2008, 5:19 PM EST
Many times when I talk to people about my story, I share about what it's like to be in the closet. I'll describe it as that place of hiding, defined by rejection and shame that amplifies the sense of insecurity. It's been my belief that the dynamic of being in the closet directly affects our self-esteem, self-confidence, self-image, and our sense of self-worth. And so it affects the decisions we make in our lives - the relationships we choose to enter into (or choose to avoid), our career decisions, and many times our every day decisions.What I'm wondering is what are some ways that being in the closet (either now or in the past) has affected the decisions you make now? I'd love your input! Eric |
 quwa |
1. RE: Being in the closet
Nov 23 2008, 7:14 PM EST
I agree wholeheartedly, especially where you say that it "directly affects our self-esteem, self-confidence, self-image, and our sense of self-worth." I couldn't have put it more succinctly.I think that the lack of self-anything has negatively affected my ability to form and maintain close, trusting, safe relationships with other males. This really applies to straight or gay guys, but I'm speaking specifically of intimate relationships here. If I do have any sort of relationship with another male, it is likely to be rather anonymous sex after which I don't see the guy again. My analysis of the situation is that I've spent years "in the closet" training to keep people at arm's distance, especially other guys (since, of course, none of the other guys I knew were having feelings like mine), I've missed a lot of chances to learn to have those stable relationships, whether or not they would be sexual in nature. I became conditioned as it were for two things: quick, silent, unfulfilling sex; and nothing. Right now I'm having to unlearn all that garbage from keeping myself hidden for too long. Having been in the closet affects many of my decisions, but the place where it has the most impact on decision-making is in the area of forming relationships. |
 EarlH |
2. RE: Being in the closet
Nov 24 2008, 8:11 PM EST
The closet has had a more stifling effect than I sometimes like to admit. The fear that breeds it festers and poisons so much your life. The insecurities about my sexuality made me fearful of trusting my own judgment and inner voice. I always felt like I had to watch how physically close I got to other guys. I learned to avoid showing affection to others, especially guys, for fear that my dark secret would reveal itself. It's taken me a long time to get comfortable hugging my male friends, even though I've always wanted to be openly affectionate. I am still learning how to reach out to guys intimately. Even after coming out, the residual fear has kept me from really dating or being romantic with another man. I question who will want to be with me being 39 and having no experience to speak of!!I also see how the fears about my identity have affected my career path. I learned to play things safely- never push the boundaries too much. Though I bucked expectations with choosing to study music in college, I doubted myself so much that I fell into teaching school instead of pursuing my performing career. I was to scared to take the chance of being rejected- that was too scary!!! I now live with a lot of regret for not at least giving myself a real chance at a career as a professional singer. Coming out was something that I thought I could never do. Thank God for His miracle of reconciling my faith and sexuality. But the battle against the closet and fear is far from over. Its lingering effects now reveal themselves the more I deal with the loneliness of singleness and the fears of ending up alone. |
 howieLA |
3. RE: Being in the closet
Nov 24 2008, 10:34 PM EST
i agree with all of you.I think being in the closet made me way more reserverd, planned and calculated in what I said and did. I became very good in planning any response to a personal madder. I also created some hiding strategies, like having dating someone on a LDR basis.. I was good at maintaining a relationship on text messages.... I do in many ways think that my path is unique, but it probably isn't and i have learned that it isn't. I had no problems reconciling my faith and my sexuality, but i spent a long time before i communicated that to the world. I probably have some ways to go still, as I am not out to the congregation i work in. I'll thing about it a bit more and give a better reply... |
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quwa |
4. RE: Being in the closet
Nov 24 2008, 11:58 PM EST
Thanks for sharing, Earl. I think you highlight something, too. As a community, gay Christians need to be more than just friends to each other. We need to be family, in the very real sense. Then, if someone is alone relationship-wise, they still have something to fall back on if things get rough.
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