<p>I put this on a site for gay Christians that I frequent. I think it gives some good insight into me, and also has some information about my journey in coming out etc.</p>

"I know some of things I discuss might sound random at first, but I believe everything I mention will be pertinent to the discussion of my homosexuality and its interplay with my faith.

I was raised in a non-denominational church (largely ex-Southern Baptists) in a rural-ish Inland Empire city. My dad hails from a Catholic background, but had been a druggy rebel during the 1970's, until he met my mom. My mom comes from a very conservative, Southern Baptist background. My dad cleaned up when they got together. While my mom has a very strong personality, she and my dad are a pretty good team when it comes to deciding things equally.

I had a best friend J. from about 3 to 12 or so. We were as close as brothers and did everything together...like inseparable twins. We never did anything sexual in purpose, but just regular, stupid guy stuff. When he moved away at 12, I was very much devastated. I didn't realize how much that that hurt me until I considered it later in life. But I have always been a singular individual, preferring one close relationship to many.

From a very young age, I remember being very affected by the gospel message. I understood from a very young age the concept of sin, and carried around a lot of guilt because I "wasn't a Christian." When I was 7, I accepted the forgiveness of Christ for myself. I didn't get baptized until I was 14, however.

It the meantime I grew up a very awkward kid. I always wore sweat pants (WHY!?), I was very analytical (still am),

and very critical, of myself over everyone else. I was never part of the cool kids group, and was generally ignored when it came to things like group sports, etc. I took it in stride, though, and hung out with other "uncool" kids.

Occasionally I would get a glimmer of recognition when my intellect came in handy.

In my mid-teens I became sexually active (same sex). While I enjoyed the feelings, I condemned myself for the actions. Hating who I was in every way, I asked to be baptized, hoping for a miraculous cure. The cure didn't come, though, and I continued with my actions until late teens, when I broke up with the other guy. My heart was torn in two; I don't know how I could have thought that the relationship was anything more than animal pleasure, but I did, and so have a lot of trust issues today. I readily make friends, but I don't let anyone get farther than than.

When I went to college, I was largely able to put off accepting what I was: gay. I was part of the popular group as an undergrad, I had good grades, and I was ministered to by a very loving group of Brothers and Sisters. My network of friends included several gay guys, each of whom was very supportive of me (though I wasn't out to them). One pegged me for gay long before I even admitted it to myself, but he never called me on it. I'm really thankful, as I think forcing me to admit it would have probably broken me.

Despite the "fun times" I was having, I began to deal with severe depression at this time. No doubt a lot of it came from having to hide a great part of who I was. The depression is still something I struggle with today, but lately it has become less severe an issue.

These last few years I've been in grad school, I sank to the worst low of my life. I was at the bottom of the foodchain in our department, I was lonely as ever, and there was a slow, unwilling realization of who I was. These last couple quarters, I seem to have snapped (in a good way). I have been honest with myself...I like guys eh. And I doubt it's something that will change. I've stopped crying at night, asking the Lord "why?!", and that acceptance has brought a lot of relief.

I am now pretty much out, family, friends (parents, cousin, sister, uncle), and anyone who it might matter to. Most everyone has loved me just the same as before, and praised my honesty. My honesty has not always been rewarded with such love and acceptance, but I have enough support elsewhere now it doesn't matter. I am slowly getting involved with the church again. I know this: I don't want to be alone, ever. If the Lord allows, I would very much like to get involved with someone long-term. Whether or not the Lord wants sex to be part of that relationship is still something He hasn't revealed to me yet. But, I take one step at a time."