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Earl's Testimony |
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Well, after all this time, I'm finally sharing my testimony with you. I'm not quite sure why it's taken me so long to do, but I'll confess that I'm a bit of a procrastinator...duh! Well, here it goes.
I am Renwick EarI Harville and was born in Chicago, IL on June 17th, 1969 and raised in Gary, IN. I am the middle child of three. Most people say that I don't seem to fit that role. That's probably because my sister is 9 years older than me. I'm the soft and cuddly one- lol. No, really....I'm the sensitive, understanding, peacekeeper of the bunch. I'm not as aggressive as my sister or brother. But I am huge extrovert, quite gregarious. I was seen as a good kid, didn't get in much trouble. I was a pretty good student. In fact, everyone in my family just knew that I would end up as doctor. But music was a passion from my earliest memory. The story is told that I learned to read the labels on our old 45's by age 3. That preoccupation with music would follow me until now.
My mother was raised in a Methodist church, but aligned with the Baptist denomination probably after I was born. By my elementary years, she was a regular church attendee on her Sundays off. It was at age ten that I attended Vacation Bible School for the first time and met one of my dearest lifelong friends. My mother felt that is was time that I get ready to get baptized accept Christ. In September 1979, I made the terrifying trip down from the choir stand to the front bench, the mourner's bench. My mother and sister had to coax me down because I was so afraid.I wanted to do it, but there was still so little I really knew about what I was doing. On Sunday, October 7th, I went down into the baptismal pool. It was interesting that I did, in fact, feel something different after the experience. I may have ignorant to the theological impact, but the Lord accepted my scared little self anyway. I would always stay active in the Children's and Youth Choirs over the next several years.
During my seventh grade year, I found myself feeling attraction to other boys at school. Robert and Sean were the firsts. They were best friends and were extremely popular. One was short and stocky, the other tall and lean. I tried to rationalize my attraction by telling myself that it was just about getting in with popular people. I was well-liked but not really popular so I did use that as an excuse to try to befriend them. A couple of months later, though, I became drawn to an 8th grader named Michael. WOW!!! He was an honor student , like myself, but was loved by everybody. He was active in school government. Again, I tried to explain away what I was feeling. But I knew I thought he was really handsome- I just told myself that any honest guy would know that. But I couldn't be gay! I tried my best to get close to him whenever I could. I would continue to kid myself for another year or so. It was near the end of my 8th grade year that the truth came forth. One of my buddies had brought some really cheap newsprint adult mags to school. Everyone wanted to see, so he lent them out like library books. Finally, my turn came around. I took them home assuming I was straight and would have the same reaction to the pics as my friends. Not so. There was a small pic of two men embracing in an ad near the back. The moment I saw it I knew the truth, finally- I as gay! I wasn't too afraid of it until a couple of weeks after school ended. I was excited about starting high school and was thinking about what I would be taking that fall. And then it hit me. I would have all year P.E.- including swimmimg! And mandatory showers! What if I get aroused in there? Oh no!!!! Now the fear set in. I officially went into the closet.
High school would be four years of insecurity and confusion. I knew I was gay- there was never any doubts that I could be bi. But I didn't want to be gay. I bought into what I was being taught at church- HOMOSEXUALITY IS BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought that I would never come out and that I would marry a woman and have kids and a 'normal' life. I was just supress and repress it all. I would barely date at all, except for my Senior Prom and a couple of group dates with my prom date, who was one of my best friends. I loved her dearly as a friend so I thought I should pursue a relationship with her as some people suggested. That didn't go anywhere. I was heartbroken- not because I was in love with her, but because I felt left out. College was no better. I did not have a single date in college- not a one!!! I threw myself more into my music- between church stuff and the bands I played in. After starting college as a nursing major, I switched to music. At least that part of my life was coming together.
As I hit my thirties, I no longer held on to the idea that I would marry a female. But I didn't know what I would do about ever coming out. The tide began to turn for me in the summer of 2002. As i was finishing graduate school, I read an article in the local paper about the Midwest SpiritQuest, an annual conference of gay Christians in Northwest Indiana. The testimony of the host pastor struck me. He spoke of finally reconciling his faith in Jesus with his homosexuality. This moved me greatly. It started me on a journey of studying and journeying to find out what the Bible really says concerning my sexuality. I prayed for discernment constantly as I surfed the web and hit the bookstores. In the last week of March 2003, I purchased John McNeill's "Taking A Chance on God". It changed my life! On Friday, March 28, I was dilligently reading it while home sick from work. I stopped, and just said to God, "Lord, if you know I'm gay and you accept me this way, then OK." All at once, life changed. I felt amazing peace, unlike I had ever felt. It was accompanied by tremendous joy that just seemed to bounce around my insides! I was finally free. God knocked down that wall that I put up out of fear. It was like He opened a curtain and the light shined in. I was gay and OK. I was safe. Christ had already save me- it wasn't negated because I'm gay! Two days later, I came out for the first time at my voice lesson!
God has been blessing me with the opportunity to live an out gay Christian man every since. I have had the blessing of being a role model to those still battling the closet. I have been out on the job the last two years, which for a teacher, can be scary! My voluntary coming out to my pastor cost me my position as Youth Choir director. After staying around for another few months, I decided that I needed to be away from the game of religion for a while. My faith actually has strengthened during the last three years without a church home because I had to depend on God and me alone to define our relationship. I spend more time studying the Word than I did when I was actively attending because it's more real to me now. I am a work in progress, and I look forward to the next big breakthrough in my journey.
I am Renwick EarI Harville and was born in Chicago, IL on June 17th, 1969 and raised in Gary, IN. I am the middle child of three. Most people say that I don't seem to fit that role. That's probably because my sister is 9 years older than me. I'm the soft and cuddly one- lol. No, really....I'm the sensitive, understanding, peacekeeper of the bunch. I'm not as aggressive as my sister or brother. But I am huge extrovert, quite gregarious. I was seen as a good kid, didn't get in much trouble. I was a pretty good student. In fact, everyone in my family just knew that I would end up as doctor. But music was a passion from my earliest memory. The story is told that I learned to read the labels on our old 45's by age 3. That preoccupation with music would follow me until now.
My mother was raised in a Methodist church, but aligned with the Baptist denomination probably after I was born. By my elementary years, she was a regular church attendee on her Sundays off. It was at age ten that I attended Vacation Bible School for the first time and met one of my dearest lifelong friends. My mother felt that is was time that I get ready to get baptized accept Christ. In September 1979, I made the terrifying trip down from the choir stand to the front bench, the mourner's bench. My mother and sister had to coax me down because I was so afraid.I wanted to do it, but there was still so little I really knew about what I was doing. On Sunday, October 7th, I went down into the baptismal pool. It was interesting that I did, in fact, feel something different after the experience. I may have ignorant to the theological impact, but the Lord accepted my scared little self anyway. I would always stay active in the Children's and Youth Choirs over the next several years.
During my seventh grade year, I found myself feeling attraction to other boys at school. Robert and Sean were the firsts. They were best friends and were extremely popular. One was short and stocky, the other tall and lean. I tried to rationalize my attraction by telling myself that it was just about getting in with popular people. I was well-liked but not really popular so I did use that as an excuse to try to befriend them. A couple of months later, though, I became drawn to an 8th grader named Michael. WOW!!! He was an honor student , like myself, but was loved by everybody. He was active in school government. Again, I tried to explain away what I was feeling. But I knew I thought he was really handsome- I just told myself that any honest guy would know that. But I couldn't be gay! I tried my best to get close to him whenever I could. I would continue to kid myself for another year or so. It was near the end of my 8th grade year that the truth came forth. One of my buddies had brought some really cheap newsprint adult mags to school. Everyone wanted to see, so he lent them out like library books. Finally, my turn came around. I took them home assuming I was straight and would have the same reaction to the pics as my friends. Not so. There was a small pic of two men embracing in an ad near the back. The moment I saw it I knew the truth, finally- I as gay! I wasn't too afraid of it until a couple of weeks after school ended. I was excited about starting high school and was thinking about what I would be taking that fall. And then it hit me. I would have all year P.E.- including swimmimg! And mandatory showers! What if I get aroused in there? Oh no!!!! Now the fear set in. I officially went into the closet.
High school would be four years of insecurity and confusion. I knew I was gay- there was never any doubts that I could be bi. But I didn't want to be gay. I bought into what I was being taught at church- HOMOSEXUALITY IS BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought that I would never come out and that I would marry a woman and have kids and a 'normal' life. I was just supress and repress it all. I would barely date at all, except for my Senior Prom and a couple of group dates with my prom date, who was one of my best friends. I loved her dearly as a friend so I thought I should pursue a relationship with her as some people suggested. That didn't go anywhere. I was heartbroken- not because I was in love with her, but because I felt left out. College was no better. I did not have a single date in college- not a one!!! I threw myself more into my music- between church stuff and the bands I played in. After starting college as a nursing major, I switched to music. At least that part of my life was coming together.
As I hit my thirties, I no longer held on to the idea that I would marry a female. But I didn't know what I would do about ever coming out. The tide began to turn for me in the summer of 2002. As i was finishing graduate school, I read an article in the local paper about the Midwest SpiritQuest, an annual conference of gay Christians in Northwest Indiana. The testimony of the host pastor struck me. He spoke of finally reconciling his faith in Jesus with his homosexuality. This moved me greatly. It started me on a journey of studying and journeying to find out what the Bible really says concerning my sexuality. I prayed for discernment constantly as I surfed the web and hit the bookstores. In the last week of March 2003, I purchased John McNeill's "Taking A Chance on God". It changed my life! On Friday, March 28, I was dilligently reading it while home sick from work. I stopped, and just said to God, "Lord, if you know I'm gay and you accept me this way, then OK." All at once, life changed. I felt amazing peace, unlike I had ever felt. It was accompanied by tremendous joy that just seemed to bounce around my insides! I was finally free. God knocked down that wall that I put up out of fear. It was like He opened a curtain and the light shined in. I was gay and OK. I was safe. Christ had already save me- it wasn't negated because I'm gay! Two days later, I came out for the first time at my voice lesson!
God has been blessing me with the opportunity to live an out gay Christian man every since. I have had the blessing of being a role model to those still battling the closet. I have been out on the job the last two years, which for a teacher, can be scary! My voluntary coming out to my pastor cost me my position as Youth Choir director. After staying around for another few months, I decided that I needed to be away from the game of religion for a while. My faith actually has strengthened during the last three years without a church home because I had to depend on God and me alone to define our relationship. I spend more time studying the Word than I did when I was actively attending because it's more real to me now. I am a work in progress, and I look forward to the next big breakthrough in my journey.
